Welcome to Brown's Emporium
    Margie Brown, Proprietor (Old Brown's other daughter)
    Retail outlets in Trinity, Virgin Arm, Come by Chance, and Dildo
    Exclusive distributor of Great Big Inflatable Action Figures

    Standard Action Figures
    Our Great Big Inflatable Action Figures are crafted from the finest materials, and have real hair.  They are life-sized, washable, and can be posed in any position you want to try.  New for 2000: Action Figures thingies now come (no pun intended) in three different sizes for a custom fit.  Choose from The Whopper Jr. (for young maidens), The Whopper, or My God, I'm Glad They Don't Make 'Em Any Bigger.  Satisfaction is guaranteed or your money back.

  • Sean, Darrell, or Bob: $29.00
  • Alan (with special shampoo and conditioner): $39.00


    • Deluxe Talking Action Figures
    Same features as the Standard model, plus a state-of-the-art voice microchip.
    (Sorry, there is no Talking Bob action figure)

  • Talking Darrell - says "Oh me, oh my" and "It's the old shaving lotion that made me this way": $49.00
  • Talking Sean - says "I think I need ya", "Can you feel me", "Feel it turn", and "Roll me over next to the wall": $59.00
  • Talking Alan - our super deluxe model will grunt, growl, and tell you all of the things that you'll never forget.  Says "I'm a rover, can you love me anyway?", "Ooh ooh la belle", "Come along with me, love", "You should see the way it feels", "She's goin' up tonight", "When I'm up I can't get down",  and "Don't push me in too deep": $69.00


    • Accessories for the most authentic experience
    Each Action Figure comes with a copy of its diploma from M.U.N., a coffee mug from Tim Horton's, a flask of The Old Black Rum, and something extra: Darrell has two pairs of glasses, one tinted and one regular; Sean wears a St. Francis medal; Bob has a playable tin whistle; Alan wears a hand-crafted Carrick Bend pendant.  If you prefer to get ripped and ready, we offer the following accessories so your Action Figure can Turn Up and Play:

  • Clothing (makes your Action Figure look nice enough to meet your parents)
    • Long-sleeved shirts (available in Black, Blue, Yellow, and Violent Violet) $19.00
    • Short-sleeved shirts (available in Brown, Green, Beige, and Ravishing Red) $14.00
    • Baggy shorts (available in Blue or White Denim, Black, and Olive) $19.00
    • Bicycle shorts or short shorts (for Sean) $19.00
    • Long pants (available in Blue or Black Denim, and Brown, Blue and Black Chinos) $24.00
    • Tight long pants (for Alan or Sean) $29.00
    • Boxers or Briefs $9.00
  •  Footwear
    • Boots (available in Kodiak, Work, Hiking, and Doc Martens) $59.00
    • Sneakers (Nike, Reebok, Adidas, or Keds) $29.00
    • Huarache Sandals, too $29.00
  •  Other Accessories
    • Hockey Skates $99.00
    • Goalie Gear (for Alan) $149.00
    • Tuxedo (for those formal occasions) $199.00


    Personal Care Products
    Brown's is proud to offer a comprehensive line of quality personal care products.  All of these products may be used with or without our Action Figures.

  • Chastity Belts - made of stronger-than-steel Kevlar, our French Cut Thong model displays your ass-ets while guarding your honor: $49.00
  • Chastity Belt Keys - sold separately: $199.00
  • Jew's Harps - even little boys will feel like big boys with one of these: $19.00
  • Lollipops and Cheese - a contraceptive (don't ask!) which Old Brown's daughters swear by: $9.00
  • Great Big Condoms - a condom that he'll ask for by name: $1.00 each, $10.00 for 12


    • Visit our retail outlets, or order by phone by calling 1-800-BLOW-ME.
    We accept Master Card, Visa, Discover/Novus, and Irving cards.
    Phone orders add 10% for shipping, handling is your responsibility.
    Overseas orders must be shipped by air, otherwise they're bound to sail away.